Merry Christmas from the Fullers!

A Dr's Visit and Update on Little Man

I took Little Man to the Dr on Monday for a regular check up.  I expressed some concerns with his behavior.  I mentioned that he was drug exposed and the Dr's whole demeanor changed.  She asked me if people in our home had an anger problem, or if my husband and I fight in front of him.  When I shared that he knew some signs to help him communicate, she asked, "Who taught him those?" 
It didn't dawn on my until the next day that although we have been over his history previously, she probably forgot that he was a foster child and thought I had exposed him to drugs pre-natally. 
One of the things they talk about in foster parent training is that you need to be prepared for people to judge you for the biological parents' baggage. 

As far has how Little Man is doing...... it is day to day.  He screams and cries a lot still.  He has been sick a lot.  He is a pretty angry little guy.  He is tantruming and hitting frequently.  He qualified to receive some services in our home to help us respond to his anger in a way that will help him.  Somedays are exhausting.  What truly amazes me is my biological kids' response to him.  They continue to love him throughout.    They continue to pray that we adopt him.  When Steve and aren't sure about doing one more day with screaming they steadily and willingly love him.  It is God's Grace displayed in my kids.  It is amazing as a parent.  One of the things that Steve and I were concerned about with being a foster family was the effect it would have on our biological children.  So far the effect has been tremendous and overwhelmingly a benefit.  It has softened their hearts to orphans and to God.  It has taught them to love hard people.  It has taught them that being a family is people who are committed to love eachother even when it is not easy.  God's work and grace in their hearts is amazing to me.

A Girl's Day

Last Weekend my girls had birthday money burning a whole in their purses, so we took a Girls Day and went to the Spaghetti Factory for lunch (had a free meal coupon for Gracie's birthday) and then to the American Girl store in Seattle. 

Here she is getting sung to, and her American Girl Doll Molly is in the next seat (unpictured).  All the female servers asked her about Molly and shared int he excitement of going to the AG store.

 Here we are in front of the store about to go in with their dolls in hand.

 We felt a special closeness to Kanani after visiting Hawaii this past summer.

We spent two hours int he store during scavenger hunts and looking at all the expensive dolls and many many accessories.  Let's just say that the girls blew their wad of cash, but we had a great time doing it.  I was a little spent after two hours, but we made such a great memory.  I love these girls!  I do not remember ever having a "girl's day" with both my girls, but it won't be our last!

Visits

Visits are just plain hard for foster kids and families.  They are the last right that parents have and are not taken away until the parental rights are severed or relinquished.  It is weird to feel two opposite feelings at the same time.  I feel excitement for the child knowing that no matter what they will always love their bio parents.  I feel good for the parents to finally see their child that they have missed out on seeing.  I feel protective of the child's heart if the parents doesn't show and if they do for how they interact with them.  Sometimes it is disappointing when the visit does go well since that means that we might have to say "good-bye" soon. It can also make me happy for the parents but protective for the child.  It is a dualistic emotional roller-coaster sometimes.  I want the bio parents to succeed and be re-united with their child and I also want them to fail quickly if they are going to fail so that the least amount of pain would be inflicted on the child.  But nobody really know if a parent is going to get their act together.  We just have to wait and see and endure visits.

Fall

Sorry it's been so long.  Hannah had pneumonia, then I got it and then ANOTHER cold.  Our family has been surviving ever since.  "Let me essplain.  No!  There is too much.  Let me sum up...."  (name that movie)  So, here are some pictures of the things we did manage to get out and do.

Here are the kids enjoying the local Cider Mill.  The sun came out and so did we.

 We did get to a pumpkin patch and do a hay maze and climb on this tractor.

 This shot includes their our good friend as well.

 Gracie being brave with feeding the goat.

 Hannah feeding the baby goat. 

 Jack gettn' in there too!

 This is Gracie's Birthday Party.  She had an American Girl Party and she set up a tea especially for her guests.  (Please ignore the homeschool mess in the background) Gracie dressed up like Kirsten (the pioneer doll) and Hannah was felicity (colonial).  It was sweet fun!  They also decorated their own cupcakes and drank camomile tea.

 And their dolls.

 Then the girls had fun solving a Samantha Mystery.  After that they watched Samantha and had popcorn and went to bed.  Easiest party ever!  What a great bunch of girls!

 Here are the kids earning their keep.  Come fall all the Fuller kids have to rake up the leaves.  With two huge Maple tress in our yard, it's gotta be done.  Gracie is showing off her nails b/c I took her to get her first manicure/pedicure.  She loved it.

 Here she is soaking up the attention at Red Robin as the restaurant sings to her.  She voluntarily wore the hat the entire evening.

 We also celebrated our favorite adopted grandma, Dorothy.

 Here's the Halloween costumes! Little Man was Yoda and he actually kept the hat on all night.  What a trooper.  Although he didn't eat any candy, he enjoyed the people that talked to him.

 Here's the crew:  Hannah is peter pan, Jack is Bobafet, Little man is Yoda, and Gracie is Laura Ingalls.  (That is the WORST picture of me, but the best of my kids.  See how much I love them!)

Whew!  Now I can have a few normal posts.  Happy Fall (to my two readers).  :)

Safe and Loved

So, "Little Man" is quite attached to me.  He cries when I put him down, leave the room, or don't give him what he wants.  He cries a lot.  A mom commented to me yesterday that he loves me a lot.  It doesn't FEEL like love.  It feels more like he doesn't even like me because all I hear is crying.  He is able to play in situations when he knows I am no longer an option.  He plays with a sitter, in the nursery at church, or at the Y's childcare.  He will play with me as long as he's touching me.  I feel like his security blanket in human form.  Did you see how disgusting Linus' blanket is in Peanuts? 
In his one year old head, love equals security, I suppose.  I don't know what he's seen or what triggered this level of clingy-ness.  We bought special sized gates to fit in our larger hallways so that he won't get hurt under toe in the kitchen or swallow small toys or destroy homeschool books in that area.  He does not like our new boundaries.  He stands at his perceived jail bars and screams.  Although they keep him safe, he would rather have me.
I wish I could help him understand that he is safe and loved, minus the screaming.  I know it is a privilege to have a little person's love and to care for them, but it doesn't FEEL that way right now.

Here he is eating cake from his birthday party we had for him not too long ago.  We were the only family that celebrated his life this year with him.  That was an honor.  Even though the crying is hard, I hope it will decrease as he realizes that he is safe and loved.

The Cost of Foster Care

Just as when you are preparing to grow your family through biological ways, parents prepare for the costs that they know of.  They know that they will need all the baby gear and diapers.  They also know that it will cost them sleep and maybe some other inconveniences.  Once the baby is born the new parents soon discover that there are so many other costs to parenthood that they never considered;  their job, body, car, beauty of their house, or whatever other thing they treasured before their baby came.
Foster Care is similar.  Foster Parents prepare with home visits and paperwork in addition to the gear needed for children.  They have the other costs as well.  The parental inconveniences that are good at refining parents of their own selfishness are there too.  But there are other costs as well.  Like other parents, you don't know what child you will welcome into your home.  You can't control the future and do not know how long the child will be in your home.  The difference is that awareness of the reality of those circumstances.  A foster parents welcomes a child that could have biological and emotional problems that come from their previous home. The only difference between that and a biological family that has a child with special needs is the choice.  Foster Parents choose to do this whereas parents with children with special needs do not choose. The Foster Parent also acknowledges that they have no foreknowledge of how long the child will be in their home. This is also the case with biological parents.  Ask a parent who had to bury a child.  The difference is the admittance of a lack of control, and acceptance that grief is a part of that.
Those two differences are huge in people's eyes and prevents people from becoming foster parents.
Choosing to love an unknown child that could have needs beyond what you know is a cost.  Admitting that you do not know and have no control over how long a child will be in your family is a cost.  Loving always has a cost.  They only reason both kinds of parents embrace the cost is the benefits.  Is it worth it?  So many times the cost isn't even considered because the benefits far outweigh the costs.
Are there any benefits to foster care?  There are spiritual benefits.  My adoption in becoming God's child cost my Father in heaven his Son.  Romans 8:14-16  Although Foster Families may not be permanent families it is the same action that God took with welcoming me into His family.  So Steve and I choose to mirror or reflect God's action of welcoming us by choosing to welcome the child that He brings to our family.   In that choice grow closer to Him.  Secondly there is the reality that the foster child will probably move on to another family. I have to completely acknowledge and trust God's sovereignty.  We get to experience and see Him move in very big movements in our family and know that His grace will hold  and sustain us.
  It also changes us.  Just like biological parenting, the inconveniences are ways that we are changed.  We become more patient, loving, giving not because these things are just automatically beamed into us, but because we are grown in painful and annoying ways.  Babying crying is one the ways the God is giving us more patience at the moment.  Sometimes the daily cost seems too much and the benefits sometimes do not seem worth it.  I think I needed to remind myself of the benefits today because I forgot with all this crying and poop.....I mean the tools in which God is changing my heart.

A Few Days Reprieve

 

Little Man is doing a little better.  He still follows me around the house and cries when he wants me to pick him up, but he's overall in a better mood.  A few days without screaming all day is such a relief.  Whatever is triggering this anxiety is getting better.  We are actually able to play and he is such a funny little man!  He loves recyclables, Tupperware, and messing up my laundry.  It has been fun to see this Little Man reemerge. 

Sept. 11, 2001. The Day my world changed

I can't believe its been ten years.  Like most people it seems like it just happened.  For me it was a day of joy amid a world of sorrow.  A week earlier my doctor sat me down and told me how toxic my body was ( I was pre-eclampsic) and the ultrasound showed that our unborn daughter was going to be over ten pounds. Her consideration of those two things was to do a planned C-section.  After recovering from the shock of not having a natural birth, I asked how soon I could get this kid out of my body.  She said Sept. 11, 2001.  It seemed like a good date then.
  My daughter Hannah Rose, was born that day.  I remember before going to the hospital my dad called  (who was on his way to San Luis Obispo, were we lived to enjoy his new granddaughter).  He said, "Turn on the TV, I think something has happened".  I had to be at the hospital at 9am and I think it was around 6am at the time and the scene unraveled before my eyes.  I have never been to NY, and I didn't really know what the twin towers were.  We arrived at the hospital and before getting wheeled into surgery we prayed for those people affected.  Soon my daughter was born.  I remember going in and out of consciousness with the juxtaposition of the horror of the TV and the joy of meeting my daughter for the first time. It was surreal.
Our lives changed that day because we became parents.  These two young people were now in charge of molding a new life.  That is not the only thing that changed that day.  American woke up.  The veil of security and comfort was lifted and the fragility of our lives was realized.  The illusion of control has vanished and now a new found fear and national pride was prevalent.  I still think it was so fitting that she was named Hannah which means "Grace" or blessed by God.  How can God bless on such a day of sadness.  He does.  Really our lives are fragile and God is in control.

"Jesus alone has died and returned from death. Jesus alone knows what awaits us on the other side of death. Jesus alone has defeated death, and declared so saying, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die” (John 11:25-26).
The central event of the Bible and human history is the death of Jesus on the cross for the sins of the world and his resurrection in victory over death. It is through sin that death entered the world. And it is through Jesus’ death that sin and death are defeated, those who are far from God are brought near to God, and those facing death can do so knowing that Jesus tells the truth, that he meets us on the other side of death and that he raises the dead." 
You can find this quote and more on the subject from my pastor:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/the-horror-of-death-and-the-hope-of-resurrection/2011/09/08/gIQAGxIECK_blog.html

Now whenever people ask Hannah he birthday her answer is met with shock because unlike other tragedies in history this one is remembered by the date because of the multiple locations of the attack.  I pray that as she grows physically and in understanding of God's Grace that she can point to the hope of a new life without sin, sorrow, or death.   

Nancy Drew Mystery

The Sock Monkey Disappearance. 

 We wrote a whole story of Mr Fred Meyer and his first sock monkey, "Stitches" that was his first of the sock monkey empire.  the girls followed the case to our neighbors house and looked for clues and found secret letters  from an old friend of the late Mr Meyer in which he demanded his share in the fortune.  The girls figured out that the gardener was his grandson and was responsible for kidnapping "Stitches".  He caught the girls and they escaped from him and found the monkey in his hiding place.  Nancy Drew (Hannah) was given Stitches as a reward for her efforts.

Each girl had a detective kit with a pocket knife, flashlight, pad of paper, pen, and magnifying glass.  They used every item in their kit to solve the case!  Way to go Sleuths!

Happy Birthday Jack!

 Jack had a Sports Party and these are the cupcakes.

 He invited a few friends to enjoy sports, burritos, cupcakes and just plain fun.

 I do not know why Jack loves the idea of having his shirt off. 

A few of the dads that helped as "coaches".  

Here are some of the things that Jack has taught me through these six years:

1.  Boys are different that girls.

2.  Learning can be done while moving.  If fact some learn better that way.

3.  It's okay to pray for your mom to have glow -in -the -dark PJs like you.

4.  A person can have a lot of energy and also love to snuggle.

5.  Kissing on the cheek is not good enough for family members.

6.  Warriors are born that way, and if they have to fight dragons they will need REAL weapons!

7.  Volume Control has to be learned.

8.  Some boys like pretty girls and want to give them things.

9. Tigger can be embodied with all the bouncy joy one body can handle.

10.  Two warnings at school can be a good report.

11.  Close your eyes when your son is climbing.

12.  Running laps is fun and helps some boys concentrate better.  So does bouncing on a big ball.

13.  Little boys punching each other can be okay.

14.  Sometimes your hips just gotta move to music.

15. The stomach can be directly attached to the heart(he still loves Grandma's mashed potatoes).  

16.  Calvin's (from "Calvin and Hobbes" perspective lives on.

17.  A "Jack lock"  was necessary.

18.  Nerf gun wars can be fun!

19.  Talk about bodily functions is hard to keep in the bathroom.

20.  A mother and son have a special bond and I love having Jack as a son!

Can you really handle this?

Our days are long lately.  "Little Man" is crying a lot and wants me to hold him all the time.  Although I think its great that he likes me, I cannot do everything while holding him.  He is not a small child either.  So, between separation anxiety and teething, the crying seems to control my day.  I hesitate in posting this but if I share how God is growing us then just maybe He will work in someone else's life through this too.  Sometimes its hard.  "Little Man" seems to be having an emotional reaction to circumstances in his little life and clinging to me.  He also has quite a lot of teeth coming in at once.  The combo has made my days long and hard.  It is conveniently at the "back to school" season.  I knew that you never know what child will enter your family.  We prayed for God's sovereignty is bringing us children, and He brought us "Little Man". 
God lead us to do this but honestly we aren't the ones with the strength, patience, love, parenting ability that I would love to be.  It's amazing to me that we are even doing this.  I am not a perfect parent.  There are plenty of things that I wish I did better.  I am still selfish.  I am disappointed when nap time is cut short, not because I am worried about my kids getting enough sleep (for the most part), but for how it messes up my list of things that I need to get done.  When my kids are being unkind to each other it takes me a moment to focus on their heart issue of being selfish rather than the inconvenience their selfishness has caused me (my selfishness).
Adding another child in the mix has forced me to face my own inadequacies.  I can not really handle all this.  I know that God has lead us here and its hard.  God changing me is never easy, or I wouldn't change.  Romans 5:2-5 "Through him (Jesus) we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in with we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More that that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I have been amazed that with a perspective that whatever suffering I may encounter is for my benefit, namely producing endurance, character, and hope in me.  Suffering is God's sculpting tool on my heart through the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes Steve and I will jokingly ask, "Do we really need this much sanctification?".  It causes us to rely on God for all the strength, patience, love that we need in this journey because we can recognize that we can not handle this.  It is God at work in us, and I am grateful.
So, I need to head back to the "crying trenches"  with a clingy baby, but it is with a renewed heart of reliance on God and resolve to glorify Him in this.  I am grateful that He does not leave me to my selfishness, but this means that my house is a mess and my agenda is out the window.

Our Marriage Story

It's not our anniversary or anything.  We've been reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas for something called "Marriage Academy" at our church.  It's been great to reflect on our history together and how far we've come, baby!

We met in college and, although the exact moment of meeting is disputed between us, we became friends. We hung out with a group of friends just about everyday.  I thought that since we were both PK's (preacher's kids) that we would have a lot in common.  I was wrong.  We argued about theology. We were friends for three years before we ever went on a date.  We dated (off and on) two more years before getting married.  I am so thankful that we did.  It hasn't all been easy, but through it I have been refined, humbled, and still have a long way to go.

I had always wanted to be a missionary.  I was passionate about serving God in some remote jungle.  As great a goal as that was, I made the mistake of letting it become my identity.  I defined myself as a missionary rather than as a follower of Christ.  I thought I was special, somehow different than the average Christian.  I was full of pride.  Steve never wanted to be a missionary.  He and I talked about relief mission work, but he didn't feel the same pull I did for foreign missions.  So, it was an unlikely pairing, the two of us.  If you have ever seen the movie "Up," we totally related to Ellie and Carl's story (except the part about not being able to have kids).  God has used our marriage to humble me.  Humility is good but very hard.  Steve didn't do it directly, but marriage is like looking in the mirror and seeing all your flaws. You're faced with your pride and selfishness everyday.  I had no idea how selfish I was before getting married.  Each successive child magnified the situation 10 times over.  Eventually, I could no longer define myself as a special missionary because I needed Jesus for survival every single day.  Someone had to deal with all my sin.  It was hideous, and marriage was the tool God used to drag it into the light
.
I think back to those two young kids that vowed to love each other and I wonder what would have happened it I had gone off to Africa unaware of my need of daily Grace.  I would have hit rock bottom in a hut with 15 adopted kids to care for.  God knew what I needed and I am so thankful that He loved that much to give me Steve.  He cared more about my heart than getting things done for his Kingdom.  He cared about my heart rather than just my service.

We have both grown tremendously since that day. I wouldn't trade that shared history for anything.  We've seen each other struggle and have been there along side each other.  I have witnessed Steve be transformed in front of me and its the best seat in the house.  We're not the same people we were when we were married; God has used our marriage to transform us.  I'm still selfish.  That is a chronic lifelong condition, but quick repentance and daily reliance on God's Grace is the only solution.
I still pray for missions and ask how we can be a part of it, but for us being missional in our daily lives in the Northwest is where we are supposed to be right now.


Foster care is one of the ways we're doing that.  It's amazing to me that Steve led our family into that.  It's weird to think that bringing a fourth child in our home can draw us together, but it did. And not just because I need an extra hand to help me with the workload.   I feel closer to Steve now than ever before and its because of our shared history and the shared desire to glorify God in our marriage and family.  I am grateful for our story and for Steve as my husband.

Enjoying My Family

On the days that I struggle with patience and love for my family are the days that I have an agenda to push through.  I fail to enjoy the stage that we are in now and only see the things that my family members still lack.  Not to mention my own shortcomings and lack of patience.  So, as a practice in preserving my patience I remind myself of things that I really enjoy about my family.

My husband is amazing at being understanding and serving me when my rheumatoid arthritis is flaring up.  He encourages, supports, and loves me even when I can't do a thing.
Hannah is becoming a young lady and is really fun to just hang out with.  She surprises me with really funny jokes, and amazes me with her fearlessness with any animals even snakes.
Gracie is a reader.  She reads constantly and has read many more classics than I have.  She is compassionate for those in need and is always willing to give even if it costs her. 
Jack is a bouncy and happy.  He is remarkably smart and active which is an awesome combination.  He is affectionate to me (even when I am frustrated with him) and genuinely loves with his whole heart, body, and soul.
Little Man is so curious.  He loves exploring but also loves snuggling.  He loves playing with the other kids. 

I love being with my family.  I am so thankful for each one of them. Loving and enjoying go hand in hand.

The Jack Knife

In a momentary lapse of judgement I bought Jack a used pocket knife for $1.  He asks to use it all the time.  I allow him to cut the branches of our hedge with it, so that the overgrown beast gets trimmed a little at a time.  I supervise him and albeit sometimes from the window, and told him some rules about using a knife.  So far he has only chased Gracie with it once and then he lost it for awhile as a result.  Now when he wants to use it. he asks, "Mom, can you supervision me?"

For Today

Yesterday's sermon was on Luke 21:29-38.  It was a warning to be ready and alert.  I was excited not only was Pastor Tim Smith right on, but he referenced Lord of the Rings when talking about Jesus coming again, the long awaited King!  I think I embarrassed my calm contemplative husband with my squeals of excitement.  Yes, I know I'm a geek.  It reminded me of  when I was watching Return of the King on DVD alone in my room and I was sobbing about Frodo and Samwise talking about the strawberries in the shire knowing that they had done their part in saving it.  Steve walked by the room and was startled by my tears and gently sat behind me grabbed my hand and asked me if I was alright.  After I recounted the emotions from the movie in response to his question he dropped my hand and left the room realizing that I'm okay and just caught up in the moment of the movie.  What a sweet guy married to a total geek.
Anyway the sermon yesterday was exciting.  It was about being ready for Christ's return.  It got me thinking about the phrase" living in the present".  I hear that a lot in movies as a good thing.  I think the users mean it as really experiencing the moment to the fullest and enjoying were you are at.  Although the sentiments in and of them selves I do not believe to be wrong, living in just the moment traps you into missing out on the hope of the future.  The present is not the only reality.  In fact I think it is a lesser reality.  I have a greater, future hope that enhances the present reality and does not diminish it.  Focusing on that greater future hope affects the present.  For example our family got the awesome blessing of going to Hawaii this summer.  It was beautiful, fun, and amazing.  It was thoroughly enjoyable but was not my greatest hope.  I enjoyed it and seeing the beauty and variety of God's creation, but heaven will be a greater paradise.  So, there wasn't the pressure to selfishly consume and experience every moment to the fullest.  Believe me we had a great time but if something went wrong, it wasn't devastating because I have hope in a greater paradise that is ultimately more satisfying and beautiful.
So today is an ordinary Monday morning.  Nothing like Hawaii today.  The reality today is nothing special.  But the greater Reality today is that my time is short and I want to be focused on the greater Reality of Jesus and his Kingdom.  But what does that look like in my life.  I have things to do today; workout, Bible reading, homeschool, taking care of a baby, errands, making food, planning, cleaning.  Does it change what my day looks like to be Kingdom focused?  The truth is that is matters where my heart focus is, otherwise the focus is just on the present. 
So, I ask myself, "Where is my focus today?".  Am I consumed by just the present and losing sight of the eternal?  Or am I serving in the present for the eternal?  It makes a big difference for today.

Loving through Grief

About a year ago our family completed the process to become a foster family.  My husband mentioned around Christmas time that he thought we could look at the process.  It took about nine months to complete and the day after we received our license, we picked up "Buster".  He was 5 months old at the time and cute as a button.  It was easy to fall in love with him.  We had him about a week and knew that we would adopt him if his bio parents couldn't care for him.  He became my son.  He needed a family and we were that family.  He just "fit" into our family.  He went back to his bio parents in June.  We had him almost 9 months.  He experienced a lot of his "firsts" with us.  He first rolled over with us, got his first tooth, said his first word, first sat up, ate his first solid food........  Now we do not get to experience his "firsts" anymore.  He is still a part of our family.  He just doesn't live in our house anymore. 

We miss him everyday.

About month after saying "good bye" we got "Little Man".  He is completely different than Buster although similar in age, his personality is different.  I thought it would be easy to love another child right away.  I knew it wouldn't fill the hole that Buster left, but I thought I could just move my attention to a new little one easily.  It takes more effort.  My scarred heart wants to be protected. To love a little one like my child and then to have to hand him to another mother is too hard.  This is exactly the reason that people give of not wanting to do foster care.  It hurts too much.

All along our family has talked about and anticipated the possibility of this grief.  We made a choice in the beginning to not hold back, but to love our foster child like our bio children without withholding our hearts. Now that we have tasted the grief, does it change anything?  Sometimes I feel like I want to hold back.  I want to protect my heart.  I want to protect my family.  It boils down is this really a good thing for our family?  Not just for the child, but for our family.  How can this feeling be good?

I look at my husband who almost died when we had  our first baby to get to a point of welcoming a fourth child is amazing in and of itself.  At one of the training nights that we went to for foster parents, a bio mom shared what it was like for her to have have her kids in foster care.  She eventually became a follower of Jesus through it and has her kids back.  At the end of her talk, Steve turned to me and said that he could spend his life doing this.  I am amazed at the change in his heart through becoming a foster parent.

Bringing grief into your family intentionally is really opposite of what we are wired to do.  So, seeing your child grieve and knowing you could have prevented it is a weird and yucky feeling.  So, when Hannah, my oldest bursts into tears because she misses her foster brother, sometimes it takes some mustering to ask her if the grief is worth having Buster as a brother.  She always says "yes".  Her heart has softened to much through this experience and she even volunteered to change diapers even the poopy ones because she loved him.  My second daughter now thanks God every night for her family.  This experience has opened her eyes to the fact that not everyone has a family that loves them.  Jack, my youngest bio kid has learned how to share his room, toys, and how to play a little gentler.  He has learned to be a big brother and look out for someone else.  I think everyone in our family has grown from this experience.  Even me.

I was the mom when Buster was sick and had to go to urgent care.  I held him when he cried getting poked with needles.  I was his mom.  He called me "Mama" and know he calls someone else that name.  Was it worth it?  I was the one he cried for when he was scared, hungry, or just wanted to be held.  I was his mom.  I fed him countless times, taught him signs, and wiped his behind.  I was his mom.  Now I am caring for another child who calls me mom.  Will I hold back my heart?  I cannot.  I have seen God at work in my family, in Buster's bio family, and in my heart through this.  I have had to trust that God has orchestrated the timing or all of this and is still in control of Buster's sweet life.  Now Buster has a family that prays for him everyday even though we probably won't ever see him again on earth.  I don't think he is done working in Buster's life just like he is not done with me.  I am a selfish person.  I love babies, but why would a mom choose grief?  I have seen God work in my family and now experience more of His amazing Grace in my life.  He is more glorified in this grief than if we never met Buster.  It is worth it.  He is worth it.

So even though loving another baby takes more effort after tasting the grief that lies in our future, I can know that it is worth the effort to love.