When Are We Really Ready?

Since Steve and I started dating, I have felt ready before him.  I was the one that professed my undying love for him first thus thrusting us into a relationship instead of just a friendship.  No wonder he got freaked out.  I was ready to talk about marriage long before him, and kept my nails nicely manicured... just in case.  When we were married, I quickly tried to overturn the "five year plan" baby plan and suddenly just wanted to be a mom.  After each baby, I remember feeling "ready" for the next one pretty much when I stopped nursing one.  So, when Steve was the one that led our family into foster care, I was happily surprised.  It was something I always wanted to do, but so was going to Africa and adopting babies from all over the world.  It was something that I had surrendered to God and trusted Him with.
 
When we said "Good-bye" to Little Man, I was exhausted and ready to wait.  Steve was even more so.  After two wonderful respite opportunities with a precious little guy, I am feeling a little more ready. Steve and I had a chance to talk about that a few days ago and he is not feeling ready. 
So, when are we really ready?
I am convinced that God will move through Steve for this.  I trust God with this.  I am not anxious or forcefully trying to push my desires.  I know that God will lead us together.  I trust Him.  He knows what we need and what is best for all of us. 
I may need to be reminded of this when we are offered a tiny baby and Steve says, "Not yet."

Respite

We agreed to take this little bean for the weekend, and he is an absolute joy.

Although we are not quite ready for a long term placement.  This respite weekend has been a lot of fun, and it reminds me that not all babies cry all day.  What a sweetie!

Pray

Little Man did not last long in the next foster home.  Please pray for a "Forever Family" for our Little Man.

This is the day we said, "Good-bye". 

Grace in Goodbye

So, Good byes are never fun.  Lifetime Goodbyes are the hardest.  Little Man joined another family several weeks ago. He has been missed, thought of, and prayed for since he left.  When the "Good-bye Day" came, we had all his toys and clothes packed up for him.  He had three big boxes full of stuff.  We wanted to send him off well.  He got kisses all morning by all the big kids.   We did our best to make the good bye as positive as possible for him. 
After he left came the tears from the kids.  Hannah especially had no words for how she felt only tears.  Grace explored the implications of him leaving verbally and thoroughly.  Jack wanted hugs and worked out things physically (ei....touching everybody).  After processing the initial "good-bye" together, I took the kids for doughnuts and then to school. Everyone in the family thought that Little Man going to a "forever family" was a good one, but we all miss him.
The time of rest and rejuvenation as a family has been worthwhile.  It is great to process this goodbye together, and I'm sure there are benefits that we still will discover from it.  We still love Little Man and will continue to pray for and love him even though he is not in our home.  And in that way, he is better off than before.

10 ways you can support Foster Families

There were baby dedications at church today.  It was touching to see dads reading scripture and declaring their hopes for their new babies.  It was a joy to watch families promise to lead their children in the way of God and train them in the way they should go.  It struck me that Little Man never had that.  He started his life drug affected, and will probably always struggle under the bad choices his parents made during the first several months of his life.  He didn't get a good start.

I believe his life can be redeemed.  That's why we're foster parents.  Sometimes people don't know how to support foster families. I know it can feel unnatural and temporary.  So here's a list of suggestions that  communicate support and love to foster families that are dealing with the fallout of some other parent's sin.

1.  Throw a baby shower or party for each foster child.  It's not about the presents, but rather celebrating the life of the child when they come to a new family.  If it's an older child, just a present can do the trick.  The stipend foster families receive is helpful, but it doesn't cover all the costs of a child.  Utilities, food, clothing, formula, diapers, wipes, and other staples are all expensive.  So, a shower is very nice.  Plus the new things will go with the foster child wherever they go. 
2.  Bring families meals when they get a new baby or child.  Adding a person to your family is always an adjustment, and it's hard to cook when you're adjusting.
3.  Bring a meal and pray for the family after they say good-bye to a foster child.  It's never easy.
4.  Offer to babysit so the parents can have a date and look each other in the face.  The emotions can take a toll on a marriage if the husband and wife don't keep their priorities straight.
5.  The most important thing you can do is pray for foster parents every day!  Some days are a battle. It's the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts that produces every positive lasting change.
6.  Don't treat the foster child as a second class member of the family.  While they're in the home, they're just another child and should be regarded as that, temporary or not.
7.  Offer to take the bio kids during the foster child's visitations.  Visitations add another thing on on top of a busy schedule.  If there are bio kids, they would love to do something fun while mom is transporting for visits.
8.  Invite foster parents out to do fun things.  Even though their lives are more complicated and they might say "no", it's still really nice to be invited and pursued by friends.  It communicates that we're valued friends even though our family has changed.
9.  Offer to take pictures of the foster child to give to bio parents of their newly formed family.  I have a photographer friend who continually tries to capture moments of our foster kids for their bio parents.  It's nice to give the bio parents something and to document our ever changing family. Surprisingly, most bio parents really appreciate the gesture.
10. Celebrate with foster families!  Little milestones mean a lot because they may be all we get to share with that child.  So, if a child starts walking, really make a big deal of it. If you get to celebrate a holiday with a foster family, try to make it special - the child may not be there for the next one.

I hope this will encourage you and give you some ideas to support foster families.  It's hard work and can be draining to families, but having the support of good friends makes it easier. Even if you're not ready to become a foster parent, you can have a significant impact in foster kid's lives by supporting foster families.

What Does the Gospel Have to do with everyday struggles?

So, lately it has been a lot.  Little Man has been escalating with his anger responses and screaming most of the time at home.  I am depleted.  Most days I start with prayer and struggle through the day.  Why doesn't God just make it easier?  Does Little Man really have to poop and vomit on top of the screaming?  When I ask these questions and those like them, I am starting from the point that I do not deserve this.  That somehow my life should be better than this. 
It is not the point of the Gospel (good news) in the Bible.  I am a wretched sinner, an enemy of God (Rom. 5:10).  I think the minute I forget that is the minute I am in danger of thinking I deserve better.  I don't deserve better.  In fact I am that screaming hateful angry child to God, my Father, when He has only been loving and gracious to me. 
At Bible Study this week the ladies and I looked at Romans 5:1-5.  It talks about the peace offered to us through Jesus and the grace he offers to us.  So that we can rejoice in our suffering.  That suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.  So there is purpose in this.  There are benefits to suffering.  If fact that is how we gain hope and that satisfaction, real satisfaction in Jesus that cannot be taken away through circumstance.  It is the daily often moment to moment reminding myself of who I am and what it cost Jesus to redeem me, then I can extend grace to this needy child who has been hurt in his short little life. 
2 Corinthians 8:1-2 talks about a church in a "severe test of affliction" their abundance of joy overflowed....  That is not how I feel.  So the Bible indicates that hard stuff will happen and that reliance on God's grace will enable us to overflow with joy.  How do I rely on His grace when it feels like a struggle to survive?  Ephesians 3:14-18 helps with accessing that grace in the midst of hardship:  "For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of Christ."
I want that.  Why do I forget so easily that I have access to such a deep, deep well of grace and love.  I think it starts with remembering that I am a sinner, redeemed with Christ, and sustained by His grace which is more than enough to fill me when I am depleted.
On a funny note, I made up a "I am a sinner" song to help me remember the Gospel when the screaming is endless. 

Happy Screaming Christmas?

The kids awoke early on Christmas morning.  We enjoyed the delicious treat of Grandma's Recipe Cinnamon Rolls,and having been preparing all month with advent we talked about Jesus. Then the kids went for their stockings.  Little Man did not enjoy the cinnamon roll and was immediately upset that his normal routine was disrupted  by not getting to sleep in longer and not getting his normal breakfast.  He did not know what to think of his stocking but enjoyed pulling things out of it.  When we started opening the gifts he was curious and enjoyed a few minutes of it but then got overwhelmed and frustrated.  He began to cry and got angry and started hitting.  We dealt with that anger and got him calmed down.  I was grateful that we got to go and worship with our church family that morning because it broke it up for Little Man who was already having trouble.  Our family enjoyed the worship with Christmas Carols and seeing our church family and when we got home we ate our "snacky" lunch and then had naptime.  After naptime we all rejoined to open presents and Little Man tolerated is for a few minutes again and then had the same reaction of frustration and tears.  We let him open his presents one at a time when he felt ready.  The rest of the day we ate, played, and had fun together, but Little Man could not calm down.  He continued to be upset and scream.  I guess he couldn't handle the change in routine and the confusion of presents.  It made for an unusual day for our family.