Safe and Loved

So, "Little Man" is quite attached to me.  He cries when I put him down, leave the room, or don't give him what he wants.  He cries a lot.  A mom commented to me yesterday that he loves me a lot.  It doesn't FEEL like love.  It feels more like he doesn't even like me because all I hear is crying.  He is able to play in situations when he knows I am no longer an option.  He plays with a sitter, in the nursery at church, or at the Y's childcare.  He will play with me as long as he's touching me.  I feel like his security blanket in human form.  Did you see how disgusting Linus' blanket is in Peanuts? 
In his one year old head, love equals security, I suppose.  I don't know what he's seen or what triggered this level of clingy-ness.  We bought special sized gates to fit in our larger hallways so that he won't get hurt under toe in the kitchen or swallow small toys or destroy homeschool books in that area.  He does not like our new boundaries.  He stands at his perceived jail bars and screams.  Although they keep him safe, he would rather have me.
I wish I could help him understand that he is safe and loved, minus the screaming.  I know it is a privilege to have a little person's love and to care for them, but it doesn't FEEL that way right now.

Here he is eating cake from his birthday party we had for him not too long ago.  We were the only family that celebrated his life this year with him.  That was an honor.  Even though the crying is hard, I hope it will decrease as he realizes that he is safe and loved.

The Cost of Foster Care

Just as when you are preparing to grow your family through biological ways, parents prepare for the costs that they know of.  They know that they will need all the baby gear and diapers.  They also know that it will cost them sleep and maybe some other inconveniences.  Once the baby is born the new parents soon discover that there are so many other costs to parenthood that they never considered;  their job, body, car, beauty of their house, or whatever other thing they treasured before their baby came.
Foster Care is similar.  Foster Parents prepare with home visits and paperwork in addition to the gear needed for children.  They have the other costs as well.  The parental inconveniences that are good at refining parents of their own selfishness are there too.  But there are other costs as well.  Like other parents, you don't know what child you will welcome into your home.  You can't control the future and do not know how long the child will be in your home.  The difference is that awareness of the reality of those circumstances.  A foster parents welcomes a child that could have biological and emotional problems that come from their previous home. The only difference between that and a biological family that has a child with special needs is the choice.  Foster Parents choose to do this whereas parents with children with special needs do not choose. The Foster Parent also acknowledges that they have no foreknowledge of how long the child will be in their home. This is also the case with biological parents.  Ask a parent who had to bury a child.  The difference is the admittance of a lack of control, and acceptance that grief is a part of that.
Those two differences are huge in people's eyes and prevents people from becoming foster parents.
Choosing to love an unknown child that could have needs beyond what you know is a cost.  Admitting that you do not know and have no control over how long a child will be in your family is a cost.  Loving always has a cost.  They only reason both kinds of parents embrace the cost is the benefits.  Is it worth it?  So many times the cost isn't even considered because the benefits far outweigh the costs.
Are there any benefits to foster care?  There are spiritual benefits.  My adoption in becoming God's child cost my Father in heaven his Son.  Romans 8:14-16  Although Foster Families may not be permanent families it is the same action that God took with welcoming me into His family.  So Steve and I choose to mirror or reflect God's action of welcoming us by choosing to welcome the child that He brings to our family.   In that choice grow closer to Him.  Secondly there is the reality that the foster child will probably move on to another family. I have to completely acknowledge and trust God's sovereignty.  We get to experience and see Him move in very big movements in our family and know that His grace will hold  and sustain us.
  It also changes us.  Just like biological parenting, the inconveniences are ways that we are changed.  We become more patient, loving, giving not because these things are just automatically beamed into us, but because we are grown in painful and annoying ways.  Babying crying is one the ways the God is giving us more patience at the moment.  Sometimes the daily cost seems too much and the benefits sometimes do not seem worth it.  I think I needed to remind myself of the benefits today because I forgot with all this crying and poop.....I mean the tools in which God is changing my heart.

A Few Days Reprieve

 

Little Man is doing a little better.  He still follows me around the house and cries when he wants me to pick him up, but he's overall in a better mood.  A few days without screaming all day is such a relief.  Whatever is triggering this anxiety is getting better.  We are actually able to play and he is such a funny little man!  He loves recyclables, Tupperware, and messing up my laundry.  It has been fun to see this Little Man reemerge. 

Sept. 11, 2001. The Day my world changed

I can't believe its been ten years.  Like most people it seems like it just happened.  For me it was a day of joy amid a world of sorrow.  A week earlier my doctor sat me down and told me how toxic my body was ( I was pre-eclampsic) and the ultrasound showed that our unborn daughter was going to be over ten pounds. Her consideration of those two things was to do a planned C-section.  After recovering from the shock of not having a natural birth, I asked how soon I could get this kid out of my body.  She said Sept. 11, 2001.  It seemed like a good date then.
  My daughter Hannah Rose, was born that day.  I remember before going to the hospital my dad called  (who was on his way to San Luis Obispo, were we lived to enjoy his new granddaughter).  He said, "Turn on the TV, I think something has happened".  I had to be at the hospital at 9am and I think it was around 6am at the time and the scene unraveled before my eyes.  I have never been to NY, and I didn't really know what the twin towers were.  We arrived at the hospital and before getting wheeled into surgery we prayed for those people affected.  Soon my daughter was born.  I remember going in and out of consciousness with the juxtaposition of the horror of the TV and the joy of meeting my daughter for the first time. It was surreal.
Our lives changed that day because we became parents.  These two young people were now in charge of molding a new life.  That is not the only thing that changed that day.  American woke up.  The veil of security and comfort was lifted and the fragility of our lives was realized.  The illusion of control has vanished and now a new found fear and national pride was prevalent.  I still think it was so fitting that she was named Hannah which means "Grace" or blessed by God.  How can God bless on such a day of sadness.  He does.  Really our lives are fragile and God is in control.

"Jesus alone has died and returned from death. Jesus alone knows what awaits us on the other side of death. Jesus alone has defeated death, and declared so saying, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die” (John 11:25-26).
The central event of the Bible and human history is the death of Jesus on the cross for the sins of the world and his resurrection in victory over death. It is through sin that death entered the world. And it is through Jesus’ death that sin and death are defeated, those who are far from God are brought near to God, and those facing death can do so knowing that Jesus tells the truth, that he meets us on the other side of death and that he raises the dead." 
You can find this quote and more on the subject from my pastor:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/the-horror-of-death-and-the-hope-of-resurrection/2011/09/08/gIQAGxIECK_blog.html

Now whenever people ask Hannah he birthday her answer is met with shock because unlike other tragedies in history this one is remembered by the date because of the multiple locations of the attack.  I pray that as she grows physically and in understanding of God's Grace that she can point to the hope of a new life without sin, sorrow, or death.   

Nancy Drew Mystery

The Sock Monkey Disappearance. 

 We wrote a whole story of Mr Fred Meyer and his first sock monkey, "Stitches" that was his first of the sock monkey empire.  the girls followed the case to our neighbors house and looked for clues and found secret letters  from an old friend of the late Mr Meyer in which he demanded his share in the fortune.  The girls figured out that the gardener was his grandson and was responsible for kidnapping "Stitches".  He caught the girls and they escaped from him and found the monkey in his hiding place.  Nancy Drew (Hannah) was given Stitches as a reward for her efforts.

Each girl had a detective kit with a pocket knife, flashlight, pad of paper, pen, and magnifying glass.  They used every item in their kit to solve the case!  Way to go Sleuths!

Happy Birthday Jack!

 Jack had a Sports Party and these are the cupcakes.

 He invited a few friends to enjoy sports, burritos, cupcakes and just plain fun.

 I do not know why Jack loves the idea of having his shirt off. 

A few of the dads that helped as "coaches".  

Here are some of the things that Jack has taught me through these six years:

1.  Boys are different that girls.

2.  Learning can be done while moving.  If fact some learn better that way.

3.  It's okay to pray for your mom to have glow -in -the -dark PJs like you.

4.  A person can have a lot of energy and also love to snuggle.

5.  Kissing on the cheek is not good enough for family members.

6.  Warriors are born that way, and if they have to fight dragons they will need REAL weapons!

7.  Volume Control has to be learned.

8.  Some boys like pretty girls and want to give them things.

9. Tigger can be embodied with all the bouncy joy one body can handle.

10.  Two warnings at school can be a good report.

11.  Close your eyes when your son is climbing.

12.  Running laps is fun and helps some boys concentrate better.  So does bouncing on a big ball.

13.  Little boys punching each other can be okay.

14.  Sometimes your hips just gotta move to music.

15. The stomach can be directly attached to the heart(he still loves Grandma's mashed potatoes).  

16.  Calvin's (from "Calvin and Hobbes" perspective lives on.

17.  A "Jack lock"  was necessary.

18.  Nerf gun wars can be fun!

19.  Talk about bodily functions is hard to keep in the bathroom.

20.  A mother and son have a special bond and I love having Jack as a son!

Can you really handle this?

Our days are long lately.  "Little Man" is crying a lot and wants me to hold him all the time.  Although I think its great that he likes me, I cannot do everything while holding him.  He is not a small child either.  So, between separation anxiety and teething, the crying seems to control my day.  I hesitate in posting this but if I share how God is growing us then just maybe He will work in someone else's life through this too.  Sometimes its hard.  "Little Man" seems to be having an emotional reaction to circumstances in his little life and clinging to me.  He also has quite a lot of teeth coming in at once.  The combo has made my days long and hard.  It is conveniently at the "back to school" season.  I knew that you never know what child will enter your family.  We prayed for God's sovereignty is bringing us children, and He brought us "Little Man". 
God lead us to do this but honestly we aren't the ones with the strength, patience, love, parenting ability that I would love to be.  It's amazing to me that we are even doing this.  I am not a perfect parent.  There are plenty of things that I wish I did better.  I am still selfish.  I am disappointed when nap time is cut short, not because I am worried about my kids getting enough sleep (for the most part), but for how it messes up my list of things that I need to get done.  When my kids are being unkind to each other it takes me a moment to focus on their heart issue of being selfish rather than the inconvenience their selfishness has caused me (my selfishness).
Adding another child in the mix has forced me to face my own inadequacies.  I can not really handle all this.  I know that God has lead us here and its hard.  God changing me is never easy, or I wouldn't change.  Romans 5:2-5 "Through him (Jesus) we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in with we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More that that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I have been amazed that with a perspective that whatever suffering I may encounter is for my benefit, namely producing endurance, character, and hope in me.  Suffering is God's sculpting tool on my heart through the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes Steve and I will jokingly ask, "Do we really need this much sanctification?".  It causes us to rely on God for all the strength, patience, love that we need in this journey because we can recognize that we can not handle this.  It is God at work in us, and I am grateful.
So, I need to head back to the "crying trenches"  with a clingy baby, but it is with a renewed heart of reliance on God and resolve to glorify Him in this.  I am grateful that He does not leave me to my selfishness, but this means that my house is a mess and my agenda is out the window.

Our Marriage Story

It's not our anniversary or anything.  We've been reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas for something called "Marriage Academy" at our church.  It's been great to reflect on our history together and how far we've come, baby!

We met in college and, although the exact moment of meeting is disputed between us, we became friends. We hung out with a group of friends just about everyday.  I thought that since we were both PK's (preacher's kids) that we would have a lot in common.  I was wrong.  We argued about theology. We were friends for three years before we ever went on a date.  We dated (off and on) two more years before getting married.  I am so thankful that we did.  It hasn't all been easy, but through it I have been refined, humbled, and still have a long way to go.

I had always wanted to be a missionary.  I was passionate about serving God in some remote jungle.  As great a goal as that was, I made the mistake of letting it become my identity.  I defined myself as a missionary rather than as a follower of Christ.  I thought I was special, somehow different than the average Christian.  I was full of pride.  Steve never wanted to be a missionary.  He and I talked about relief mission work, but he didn't feel the same pull I did for foreign missions.  So, it was an unlikely pairing, the two of us.  If you have ever seen the movie "Up," we totally related to Ellie and Carl's story (except the part about not being able to have kids).  God has used our marriage to humble me.  Humility is good but very hard.  Steve didn't do it directly, but marriage is like looking in the mirror and seeing all your flaws. You're faced with your pride and selfishness everyday.  I had no idea how selfish I was before getting married.  Each successive child magnified the situation 10 times over.  Eventually, I could no longer define myself as a special missionary because I needed Jesus for survival every single day.  Someone had to deal with all my sin.  It was hideous, and marriage was the tool God used to drag it into the light
.
I think back to those two young kids that vowed to love each other and I wonder what would have happened it I had gone off to Africa unaware of my need of daily Grace.  I would have hit rock bottom in a hut with 15 adopted kids to care for.  God knew what I needed and I am so thankful that He loved that much to give me Steve.  He cared more about my heart than getting things done for his Kingdom.  He cared about my heart rather than just my service.

We have both grown tremendously since that day. I wouldn't trade that shared history for anything.  We've seen each other struggle and have been there along side each other.  I have witnessed Steve be transformed in front of me and its the best seat in the house.  We're not the same people we were when we were married; God has used our marriage to transform us.  I'm still selfish.  That is a chronic lifelong condition, but quick repentance and daily reliance on God's Grace is the only solution.
I still pray for missions and ask how we can be a part of it, but for us being missional in our daily lives in the Northwest is where we are supposed to be right now.


Foster care is one of the ways we're doing that.  It's amazing to me that Steve led our family into that.  It's weird to think that bringing a fourth child in our home can draw us together, but it did. And not just because I need an extra hand to help me with the workload.   I feel closer to Steve now than ever before and its because of our shared history and the shared desire to glorify God in our marriage and family.  I am grateful for our story and for Steve as my husband.

Enjoying My Family

On the days that I struggle with patience and love for my family are the days that I have an agenda to push through.  I fail to enjoy the stage that we are in now and only see the things that my family members still lack.  Not to mention my own shortcomings and lack of patience.  So, as a practice in preserving my patience I remind myself of things that I really enjoy about my family.

My husband is amazing at being understanding and serving me when my rheumatoid arthritis is flaring up.  He encourages, supports, and loves me even when I can't do a thing.
Hannah is becoming a young lady and is really fun to just hang out with.  She surprises me with really funny jokes, and amazes me with her fearlessness with any animals even snakes.
Gracie is a reader.  She reads constantly and has read many more classics than I have.  She is compassionate for those in need and is always willing to give even if it costs her. 
Jack is a bouncy and happy.  He is remarkably smart and active which is an awesome combination.  He is affectionate to me (even when I am frustrated with him) and genuinely loves with his whole heart, body, and soul.
Little Man is so curious.  He loves exploring but also loves snuggling.  He loves playing with the other kids. 

I love being with my family.  I am so thankful for each one of them. Loving and enjoying go hand in hand.