The Jack Knife

In a momentary lapse of judgement I bought Jack a used pocket knife for $1.  He asks to use it all the time.  I allow him to cut the branches of our hedge with it, so that the overgrown beast gets trimmed a little at a time.  I supervise him and albeit sometimes from the window, and told him some rules about using a knife.  So far he has only chased Gracie with it once and then he lost it for awhile as a result.  Now when he wants to use it. he asks, "Mom, can you supervision me?"

For Today

Yesterday's sermon was on Luke 21:29-38.  It was a warning to be ready and alert.  I was excited not only was Pastor Tim Smith right on, but he referenced Lord of the Rings when talking about Jesus coming again, the long awaited King!  I think I embarrassed my calm contemplative husband with my squeals of excitement.  Yes, I know I'm a geek.  It reminded me of  when I was watching Return of the King on DVD alone in my room and I was sobbing about Frodo and Samwise talking about the strawberries in the shire knowing that they had done their part in saving it.  Steve walked by the room and was startled by my tears and gently sat behind me grabbed my hand and asked me if I was alright.  After I recounted the emotions from the movie in response to his question he dropped my hand and left the room realizing that I'm okay and just caught up in the moment of the movie.  What a sweet guy married to a total geek.
Anyway the sermon yesterday was exciting.  It was about being ready for Christ's return.  It got me thinking about the phrase" living in the present".  I hear that a lot in movies as a good thing.  I think the users mean it as really experiencing the moment to the fullest and enjoying were you are at.  Although the sentiments in and of them selves I do not believe to be wrong, living in just the moment traps you into missing out on the hope of the future.  The present is not the only reality.  In fact I think it is a lesser reality.  I have a greater, future hope that enhances the present reality and does not diminish it.  Focusing on that greater future hope affects the present.  For example our family got the awesome blessing of going to Hawaii this summer.  It was beautiful, fun, and amazing.  It was thoroughly enjoyable but was not my greatest hope.  I enjoyed it and seeing the beauty and variety of God's creation, but heaven will be a greater paradise.  So, there wasn't the pressure to selfishly consume and experience every moment to the fullest.  Believe me we had a great time but if something went wrong, it wasn't devastating because I have hope in a greater paradise that is ultimately more satisfying and beautiful.
So today is an ordinary Monday morning.  Nothing like Hawaii today.  The reality today is nothing special.  But the greater Reality today is that my time is short and I want to be focused on the greater Reality of Jesus and his Kingdom.  But what does that look like in my life.  I have things to do today; workout, Bible reading, homeschool, taking care of a baby, errands, making food, planning, cleaning.  Does it change what my day looks like to be Kingdom focused?  The truth is that is matters where my heart focus is, otherwise the focus is just on the present. 
So, I ask myself, "Where is my focus today?".  Am I consumed by just the present and losing sight of the eternal?  Or am I serving in the present for the eternal?  It makes a big difference for today.

Loving through Grief

About a year ago our family completed the process to become a foster family.  My husband mentioned around Christmas time that he thought we could look at the process.  It took about nine months to complete and the day after we received our license, we picked up "Buster".  He was 5 months old at the time and cute as a button.  It was easy to fall in love with him.  We had him about a week and knew that we would adopt him if his bio parents couldn't care for him.  He became my son.  He needed a family and we were that family.  He just "fit" into our family.  He went back to his bio parents in June.  We had him almost 9 months.  He experienced a lot of his "firsts" with us.  He first rolled over with us, got his first tooth, said his first word, first sat up, ate his first solid food........  Now we do not get to experience his "firsts" anymore.  He is still a part of our family.  He just doesn't live in our house anymore. 

We miss him everyday.

About month after saying "good bye" we got "Little Man".  He is completely different than Buster although similar in age, his personality is different.  I thought it would be easy to love another child right away.  I knew it wouldn't fill the hole that Buster left, but I thought I could just move my attention to a new little one easily.  It takes more effort.  My scarred heart wants to be protected. To love a little one like my child and then to have to hand him to another mother is too hard.  This is exactly the reason that people give of not wanting to do foster care.  It hurts too much.

All along our family has talked about and anticipated the possibility of this grief.  We made a choice in the beginning to not hold back, but to love our foster child like our bio children without withholding our hearts. Now that we have tasted the grief, does it change anything?  Sometimes I feel like I want to hold back.  I want to protect my heart.  I want to protect my family.  It boils down is this really a good thing for our family?  Not just for the child, but for our family.  How can this feeling be good?

I look at my husband who almost died when we had  our first baby to get to a point of welcoming a fourth child is amazing in and of itself.  At one of the training nights that we went to for foster parents, a bio mom shared what it was like for her to have have her kids in foster care.  She eventually became a follower of Jesus through it and has her kids back.  At the end of her talk, Steve turned to me and said that he could spend his life doing this.  I am amazed at the change in his heart through becoming a foster parent.

Bringing grief into your family intentionally is really opposite of what we are wired to do.  So, seeing your child grieve and knowing you could have prevented it is a weird and yucky feeling.  So, when Hannah, my oldest bursts into tears because she misses her foster brother, sometimes it takes some mustering to ask her if the grief is worth having Buster as a brother.  She always says "yes".  Her heart has softened to much through this experience and she even volunteered to change diapers even the poopy ones because she loved him.  My second daughter now thanks God every night for her family.  This experience has opened her eyes to the fact that not everyone has a family that loves them.  Jack, my youngest bio kid has learned how to share his room, toys, and how to play a little gentler.  He has learned to be a big brother and look out for someone else.  I think everyone in our family has grown from this experience.  Even me.

I was the mom when Buster was sick and had to go to urgent care.  I held him when he cried getting poked with needles.  I was his mom.  He called me "Mama" and know he calls someone else that name.  Was it worth it?  I was the one he cried for when he was scared, hungry, or just wanted to be held.  I was his mom.  I fed him countless times, taught him signs, and wiped his behind.  I was his mom.  Now I am caring for another child who calls me mom.  Will I hold back my heart?  I cannot.  I have seen God at work in my family, in Buster's bio family, and in my heart through this.  I have had to trust that God has orchestrated the timing or all of this and is still in control of Buster's sweet life.  Now Buster has a family that prays for him everyday even though we probably won't ever see him again on earth.  I don't think he is done working in Buster's life just like he is not done with me.  I am a selfish person.  I love babies, but why would a mom choose grief?  I have seen God work in my family and now experience more of His amazing Grace in my life.  He is more glorified in this grief than if we never met Buster.  It is worth it.  He is worth it.

So even though loving another baby takes more effort after tasting the grief that lies in our future, I can know that it is worth the effort to love.