Loving through Grief

About a year ago our family completed the process to become a foster family.  My husband mentioned around Christmas time that he thought we could look at the process.  It took about nine months to complete and the day after we received our license, we picked up "Buster".  He was 5 months old at the time and cute as a button.  It was easy to fall in love with him.  We had him about a week and knew that we would adopt him if his bio parents couldn't care for him.  He became my son.  He needed a family and we were that family.  He just "fit" into our family.  He went back to his bio parents in June.  We had him almost 9 months.  He experienced a lot of his "firsts" with us.  He first rolled over with us, got his first tooth, said his first word, first sat up, ate his first solid food........  Now we do not get to experience his "firsts" anymore.  He is still a part of our family.  He just doesn't live in our house anymore. 

We miss him everyday.

About month after saying "good bye" we got "Little Man".  He is completely different than Buster although similar in age, his personality is different.  I thought it would be easy to love another child right away.  I knew it wouldn't fill the hole that Buster left, but I thought I could just move my attention to a new little one easily.  It takes more effort.  My scarred heart wants to be protected. To love a little one like my child and then to have to hand him to another mother is too hard.  This is exactly the reason that people give of not wanting to do foster care.  It hurts too much.

All along our family has talked about and anticipated the possibility of this grief.  We made a choice in the beginning to not hold back, but to love our foster child like our bio children without withholding our hearts. Now that we have tasted the grief, does it change anything?  Sometimes I feel like I want to hold back.  I want to protect my heart.  I want to protect my family.  It boils down is this really a good thing for our family?  Not just for the child, but for our family.  How can this feeling be good?

I look at my husband who almost died when we had  our first baby to get to a point of welcoming a fourth child is amazing in and of itself.  At one of the training nights that we went to for foster parents, a bio mom shared what it was like for her to have have her kids in foster care.  She eventually became a follower of Jesus through it and has her kids back.  At the end of her talk, Steve turned to me and said that he could spend his life doing this.  I am amazed at the change in his heart through becoming a foster parent.

Bringing grief into your family intentionally is really opposite of what we are wired to do.  So, seeing your child grieve and knowing you could have prevented it is a weird and yucky feeling.  So, when Hannah, my oldest bursts into tears because she misses her foster brother, sometimes it takes some mustering to ask her if the grief is worth having Buster as a brother.  She always says "yes".  Her heart has softened to much through this experience and she even volunteered to change diapers even the poopy ones because she loved him.  My second daughter now thanks God every night for her family.  This experience has opened her eyes to the fact that not everyone has a family that loves them.  Jack, my youngest bio kid has learned how to share his room, toys, and how to play a little gentler.  He has learned to be a big brother and look out for someone else.  I think everyone in our family has grown from this experience.  Even me.

I was the mom when Buster was sick and had to go to urgent care.  I held him when he cried getting poked with needles.  I was his mom.  He called me "Mama" and know he calls someone else that name.  Was it worth it?  I was the one he cried for when he was scared, hungry, or just wanted to be held.  I was his mom.  I fed him countless times, taught him signs, and wiped his behind.  I was his mom.  Now I am caring for another child who calls me mom.  Will I hold back my heart?  I cannot.  I have seen God at work in my family, in Buster's bio family, and in my heart through this.  I have had to trust that God has orchestrated the timing or all of this and is still in control of Buster's sweet life.  Now Buster has a family that prays for him everyday even though we probably won't ever see him again on earth.  I don't think he is done working in Buster's life just like he is not done with me.  I am a selfish person.  I love babies, but why would a mom choose grief?  I have seen God work in my family and now experience more of His amazing Grace in my life.  He is more glorified in this grief than if we never met Buster.  It is worth it.  He is worth it.

So even though loving another baby takes more effort after tasting the grief that lies in our future, I can know that it is worth the effort to love.